Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
