she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
