my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
