I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So vagazzling was a success
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
