you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
