I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
