so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
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I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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