So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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