he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
