I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
