so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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