Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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