My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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