he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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