So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
