I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
