i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
