We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
