What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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