at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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