Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
