1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
