Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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