I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Every concussion has its silver lining
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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