I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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