and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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