that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
