Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
