So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Found your dick twin last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
