Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
