i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
