There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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