the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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