i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
