am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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