and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
