I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
