If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
