I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm having to shit out rocks
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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