I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
