apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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