God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
