i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
