I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I can text with my tongue
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
