I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
