Your dad touched me again.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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