His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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