My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
