omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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