Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
