I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it hurts more in the daytime
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
