Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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