I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
