i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
