I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
