what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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