Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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