The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
